How I Met Your Mother
by moo-point
Summary: Chandler decides to tell his two kids the story of How He Met Their Mother. Satire of the HIMYM finale.


The Year 2020

"Kids," said Chandler. "I'm going to tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your mother."

He was sitting in front of his two children Jack and Erica, both of whom seemed annoyed that he had called this meeting.

"Do we have to?" groaned Jack.

"This is going to take an extremely long time to tell, isn't it?" asked Erica.

"You bet it is!" said Chandler brightly. "It was 1994 and your Uncle Ross had just divorced from his lesbian wife Carol-"

"Wait a minute," said Erica. "Didn't you meet mom in college?"

"Yes, but I didn't _really_ meet your mother until much later on," said Chandler. Jack and Erica looked confused. "All these stories are part of a grander plan the universe had in store for me. Don't worry, kids. It'll all make sense in the end."

His two kids slumped in their seats as their father started to tell the story of how Rachel showed up at Central Perk wearing a wedding dress after leaving her fiancé at the altar. He followed that story with other stories such as the time Phoebe found a thumb in her soda or when the entire gang loved Monica's boyfriend. Jack and Erica were confused at how any of this fit together with meeting their mother in any way, but they knew they had no choice but to sit there and listen.

* * *

"At the time, I was dating Janice Hosenstein, a woman who I could not stand," said Chandler.

"Is that the lady we saw at the supermarket when we were buying stuff for my sweet sixteen?" asked Erica.

"Oh! And also that time our car broke down and she just happened to be there to help us out?" said Jack.

"And remember that time-"

"Yes, yes, I run into her a lot," said Chandler, trying to brush off the countless number of times they had a surprise encounter with her. "Well, anyway, the first time I tried breaking up with her, I had to ask Aunt Phoebe to help me out-"

* * *

"And then we had a New Year's eve party, and I couldn't stand having no one to kiss so I cracked under the pressure and invited Janice," said Chandler.

"But you can't stand her!" said Jack.

"I know! I couldn't help it! Anyway, it doesn't matter because I ended up breaking up with her before midnight,-"

* * *

"And then, and then, Joey sets me up on a blind date, and low behold – it turns out to be Janice. And eventually we get to talking-"

"Oh no, not again," said Erica, leaning back into her seat and bracing for what would be another mistake her father made.

"Yes," said Chandler. "We ended up getting back together. But the second I regained some common sense, I knew I had to break up with her. And when I did Janice said something I would never forget."

The Year 1995

" _I just don't think things are gonna work out," said Chandler, looking frantic like always. He was sitting next to Janice at Central Perk, and had just gained enough courage to break up with her for the third time._

" _That's fine," said Janice. Chandler jolted with surprise. Why was she not crying? Why did she sound so calm?_

" _It is?" said Chandler._

" _Mmm-hmm. Because I know that this isn't the end," said Janice._

" _Oh no, you see, actually it is," said Chandler, still not sure what Janice was talking about._

" _No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen. Don't you know it yet?" said Janice. "You love me, Chandler Bing."_

" _Oh, no I don't," said Chandler, irritated that she would even think this way._

" _Well then ask yourself this. Why do you think we keep ending up together? New Year's, who invited who? Valentine's, who asked who into whose bed?" said Janice._

" _I did, but…" said Chandler. He hated that she was making a lot of sense._

" _You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn," said Janice. "Janice! Janice!" she said, imitating a foghorn. "You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know it."_

 _She paused, and said softly, "You just don't know you know it." And then she wrapped her hands around his face and kissed him passionately. "See ya."_

 _And as she walked through the door, the effect of her words and the kiss forced Chandler to blurt out-_

" _Call me."_

* * *

The Year 2020

"And then of course realizing the Mr. Heckle's was basically just an older version of me, I couldn't help but call Janice-"

* * *

"It was 1996 and I thought I had just found the love of my life," said Chandler. Jack and Erica sat a little straighter in their seats. Finally, something interesting in their father's love life had happened. "I had been chatting on the internet for weeks with this smart, funny woman and I could not wait to meet her."

"Who was it? Was it mom?" said Jack.

"No," said Chandler, apologetically. "It was Janice."

Jack and Erica groaned.

"But this time I decided to accept fate and start a long-term relationship with her!" said Chandler.

Jack and Erica groaned even more.

* * *

"'…But before I can say 'good-bye', there's something I really need you to know, Chandler. The way I feel about you, it's like, I finally understand what Lionel Richie's been singing about. Y'know, I mean what we have, it's like movie love, you're my soulmate, and I can't believe we're not going to be spending the rest of our lives together.'"

"And then I clung onto Janice's leg as I felt myself being dragged towards the door, begging her not to leave. I even took her shoe so she would be forced to stay," said Chandler. He gave a small chuckle at his pathetic-ness. His two kids just gave him a death stare. "But of course she left, and I knew I had to move on."

"Finally!" said Erica.

"Well, not finally" said Chandler. "About a year later, we got back together again and I had to go to Yemen just to escape her." He chuckled again. "Now that is a funny story." His kids continued to give him the death stare.

* * *

"And after that fateful night in London, your mom and I finally decided to become a couple," said Chandler.

"Is this it?" said Jack, excitedly. "Is the story over?"

"Not yet," said Chandler.

"But-but I don't understand?" said Jack. "You met mom, you two became a couple. What more could you tell us?"

"It'll all make sense soon. But until then I have a lot more to tell you" said Chandler.

He continued to tell stories of how he and Monica tried to keep their relationship a secret from their friends, how they became engaged, planned their wedding, tried to have kids, etc. Erica and Jack actually enjoyed these stories because they were actually about their mother and father.

However, these stories were sprinkled with others such as the time Janice's mixtape played during Monica and Chandler's Valentine's Day date. Or the time Chandler had to pretend to be in love with Janice so that she would not come to their wedding. Or the time when Janice was giving birth at the same time as Aunt Rachel.

Chandler also mentioned the time when he and Monica were at a fertility clinic and Janice comforted him about the possibility that he might not be fertile. Jack and Erica couldn't help but think that was actually a sweet story between the two of them. Chandler also told the story of that time when Chandler and Monica were taking a tour of their future neighbor's house, and Janice was actually looking to buy it which would make them neighbors. Chandler had to pretend, once again, that he was in love her just to make her leave. He even went as far as to give her one last goodbye kiss.

* * *

Eventually, Chandler explained in great detail how both Jack and Erica were born, how their Uncle Ross and Aunt Rachel got back together, and how they moved out of their New York apartment for good.

"And that concludes my story," said Chandler.

Jack and Erica looked dumbfounded.

"Um, I don't understand," said Erica. "None of that even had anything even remotely to do with you meeting mom."

"No, but that's not the morale of the story," said Chandler. "This whole story was about how long, and difficult of a road it was for Mom and I. But I'm glad it was long and difficult, because if I hadn't gone through hell to get there, the lesson might not have been as clear. You see, kids, right from the moment I met your mom, I knew... I have to love this woman as much as I can for as long as I can, and I can never stop loving her, not even for a second. I carried that lesson with me through every stupid fight we ever had, every 5:00 a.m. Christmas morning, every sleepy Sunday afternoon, through every speed bump. Every pang of jealousy or boredom or uncertainty that came our way, I carried that lesson with me."

Jack and Erica smiled at Chandler's sweet words.

"And I carried it with me when she got sick. Even then, in what can only be called the worst of times, all I could do was look at her and thank God, thank every god there is, or ever was, or will be, and the whole universe, and anyone else I can possibly thank that I met that beautiful girl in college and that I had the guts to stand up, walk over to her, be her friend, and eventually fall in love with her."

"And that kids," said Chandler, "is the story of How I Met Your Mother."

There was a slight pause as Jack and Erica tried to process the mess of a story their father had just told them.

"No, I don't buy it," said Erica. "That is not the reason you made us sit and listen to this."

"Oh, really?" said Chandler. "Then what is the reason?"

"This wasn't a story of how you met mom. You met mom in college. This was a story of how you're in love with Janice," said Erica.

"I can't believe this!" said Chandler, standing up in annoyance. "Haven't you been listening? I hate Janice. Janice is like the tick in my leg that won't go away."

"Then why did you mention her so many times in this story?" said Erica. "The only women you mentioned were mom, Janice, and maybe like two others."

" _Two_?" said Chandler incredulously. "There were like seven others."

"Yeah, right," said Jack laughing.

Chandler sat down as the weight of his children's words came crashing around him. Maybe they were right. Monica had been gone for six years now, and maybe it was time to embrace moving on.

"There is a reason you keep on running into Janice. It's not just coincidence. It's fate," said Erica wisely.

He looked at his children with a heaviness in his heart. "You guys really think it's finally time to move on?" said Chandler.

"Yes!" said Jack and Erica together.

"We just want you to be happy," said Erica.

Chandler smiled at his loving children. "Okay, then!" he said. "I'm going to do it! I'm going to call Janice!" Chandler thought he would never have to say those words again. Back before he and Monica became a couple, Janice would always be his go-to girl to call when he was feeling lonely or pathetic. And now, he was calling her one last time.

He reached into his pocket and took out his cell phone. But then he stopped. "Eh," he said. "I'll probably just run into her during next week's prostrate exam appointment."

* * *

Chandler was sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office, flipping through the pages of a magazine when he heard a familiar voice.

"Oh….My….God," said a nasally but excited voice.

Chandler leaped up and saw Janice staring right at him. Chandler had heard Janice say those three words a million times, but this time he could tell that even she knew something was different.

"Chandler…?" said Janice.

Chandler strode over to her, cupped her face in his hands, and kissed her passionately. Janice kissed him back just as fervently.

When they broke off Janice said, "Chandler Bing, you're my soul-mate."

Chandler smiled. "Janice! Janice!" he said, imitating the metaphorical foghorn Janice had mentioned 25 years ago.

"Awwww, the foghorn!" said Janice nasally. "You remembered!" They kissed again. "I love you, my Bing-a-ling."

"I love you too, uh, just Janice," said Chandler. And then they kissed once more.

* * *

 **A/N:** I apologize to everyone for writing this fanfic. Let me just say, I love Monica and Chandler and I don't even want to think of one of them dying and leaving the other. But this fanfic came to me just as a way of making fun of the HIMYM finale. So thanks for reading! (Did you guys see what I did with Ted/Robin's blue French horn and Chandler/Janice's foghorn? haha)

I also really like Janice so as I was writing this, the thought occurred to me that this was kind-of like a love letter to her. Also, as I was writing this, it kinda reminded me of Mathew Perry's sitcom Go On where Courtney Cox actually guest stared in as the wife who dies.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Friends or How I Met Your Mother. I borrowed some lines directly from these shows, such as the italicized 1995 flashback and also the small speech Chandler makes at the end.


End file.
